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Leo T_C_K
OldUnreal Member
Posts: 3539
Joined: Sat Aug 27, 2005 6:24 pm


Post by Leo T_C_K »

I'm slowly beginning to realize how mindbroken I am or was at least many times over in my life. And now it feels I have absolutely no control over anything that's happening. Self-hate is returning more and more and I had some pretty nasty moments with zeur and even broke up for a time with him. Or tried to...but he's stuck to me and now he's ill due to the excessive heat so I have no choice but to keep taking care of him. But...everything else is bad. My mom got covid so she won't be able to help me financially. I wasn't able to pick up last bit of money as well yet and dunno if I will all depends on zeur but he doesn't care if we run out of money...sometimes it feels like he wants us to fail so he has justification to permanently disappear into the wild and live in the woods forever.

That was the first time my mom got covid (reportedly, I mean what if its a false positive, not sure if she got tested multiple times to be sure) also, despite her having the shots too (and she protested it but decided to go along with it to be able to keep working because at one point it was impossible to have most jobs without having a certificate that you got the shots).

But yea also when I broke up with zeur and asked anyone else to shield me...given that for some people zeur is the problem...I just got refusals. My "family" and friends, all of them refused except for maybe one person with whom its more complicated but you get my point...

I can't return back to my mom because she has her own boyfriend living in the flat with her and honestly I get the feeling she never wants to share same space with me ever again physically. I can't go to my grandmother who is ill and who I could help, but my uncle put a ban on me going to her flat which is not in her ownership but his practically....

I'm just outright cancelled from places....

I asked a friend in germany even to go to him for even temporarily maybe but no...despite that he lives alone...he just doesn't want. Or even be anywhere close.

I tried to find back contacts and e-mails for friends IRL that I had before I moved to the netherlands. No response and last activity I could find from that one guy is from 2016. Not that I would necesarily want to live with them, but at least I wanted to talk and also explain that one of the reasons I didn't try to contact them was because of amnesia and how awkward it would have gotten back then. Now I'm confident I have enough memories back to be able to talk "as usual" but....yea

Its just not happening. And I feel so lost right now and every further rejection just brings me closer to the definite edge....

So this is how I end up losing...
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