a moment of weakness

[Leo T_C_K]

I usually don't post threads like these, but I had some nightmares and its been a while since I felt this awful inside and depressed. It kind of got better yesterday but the sleep and nightmares really got to me now. A lot of my old feelings came back from twenty years ago or so..its kind of ironic, I suppose seeing an old photo of me didn't help, it doesn't even feel like me entirely. I suppose I will post the photo later down as attachment with censored faces. Because its like curse, I mean that photo is from now more than 20 years ago when we won a week trip of our choosing and my mom chose to go for egypt even though I did want to see scandinavia at that time. But I didn't have that sun allergy yet and other health problems so I suppose it was fine even though sometimes it was a stretch and extreme for my body, especially standing the heat in that one day we went to the valley of kings was quite problematic. But well I used a lot of cream for protection and other measures before, But today I wouldn't be able to stand it especialy if you count global warming into account as well.

But yea right after the return my world crashed down, I mean I was already not very happy having to be stuffed into a school full of assholes but the bullying took the turn for the worse because I complained last time and they felt more confident and I even ended up getting poisoned as a revenge...my health took a bit hit and my immune system started to slowly collapse and there were other problems including my mom taking a sudden abusive turn at the time too and year later after I lost what felt like the love of my life (it was a girl at that time) and being betrayed by my best friend at the time. And then after that my grandparents conspiring to hand me over to social services or whatever and me taking a desparate stand at the end of it all, preventing them from taking the phones and pointing knife at them back then...them fleeing to another flat that they had to rent before me and my mom moved out separately from theirs....it took almost a year to resume any contact with them of course following those incidents. Its just...why so sudden? I mean it all crashed down after that egypt trip, as if some pharaoh curse or something really did exist. But yea I was right not to go there but I wasn't listened to...just like I'm often not being listen to.

Like recently to zeur. I turned out to be right about something a week in advance, I have those "senses" but no he wouldn't listen either. Yea sure he might be smarter than my mom but he also is full of hate towards humanity and other stuff that blinds him and being too stubborn is just no good.

He kind of mocked me by saying I need to obviously have someone who doesn't question me or who is like completely devoted to me.

Either way that was after we had a talk about...well I did tell him at one point "I'm vetoing you." and he said I can't say stuff like that, how about just saying "I have decided differently", but if I express myself all the time like that it puts people on THE EDGE, like something's about to happen, tension mounting, the dramatic way I express mysef, etc etc.

But yea I realized and told him that I can't change that and ever since, well now after those nightmares and stuff and discussing things of the past I feel particularly vulnerable.

But I also remember Delacroix saying about ten years ago something similar like zeur said that I expect my friends to be like....completely unquestionable or something. I can't remember the exact thing. But its funny because zeur and delacroix usually can't stand each other.

But zeur did say why don't my friends then help me, like offering real help instead of...leaving me in such mess etcetera. Like they can't think of creative way to help me out, offer cheap renting anywhere near them or whatever the heck would...

god...the censored picture turned out so awful...I wanted to do a bit of funny creative censoring but now it truly looks from out of this world. Oh and please don't make fun of the "stick" I'm holding to either, also I was just a teen back then, its more than 20 years ago.

see the attachment if you want to see it lol
its uncanny